The Shallot [ARTICLES]
Updated: Sep 29, 2020
The Shallot is Shield Magazine's annual April Fool's edition written by the Shield Staff. All articles below are fictional and sometimes wishful thinking. We worked on this edition and finished it prior to spring break. We hope that our humor gives you a little joy and a few laughs during this time of uncertainty. Please, enjoy our very foolish, humorous stories, and we apologize in advance.
KANYE WEST BRINGS HIS SUNDAY SERVICE TO CHAPEL
Musician Kanye West brought his “Sunday Service” to a special Rochester University chapel last week. Blending together gospel and hip-hop music, West’s main goal is to uplift others and spread the gospel. President Brian Stogner and chapel coordinator Evan Green have been working closely with the rapper to bring him and his choir to RU since West debuted his new venture in January 2019.
“We were so excited hearing that Kanye accepted our request to perform and speak in chapel,” Green said.
West and the Sunday Service choir flew into Metro Detroit Airport on a private 747 and were transported to campus from the airport in those white vans that the sports teams use. RU icon and professor Garth Pleasant picked them up from the airport last Monday.
West brought along his wife, Kim Kardashian West, and their four children. Kardashian West called the campus “humbling,” and “nothing like Calabasas.”
Stogner treated West, his family, and the choir to a breakfast buffet in the cafeteria, which included eggs, hash browns, sausage, fruit and pancakes. West and his family are vegan, and only ate the hash browns and fruit. Kardashian West was angry with Stogner as he “did not listen to my list of dietary needs for me and my children.”
On the way out of the cafeteria, West felt compelled to interrupt an accounting class in the auditorium taught by Katie Stokes, assistant professor of business.
“He said he’d let me finish my lecture, but that he wanted to say that Dr. Reddick (Joe) was the best accounting professor on campus,” Stokes said. Weird that West knows anything about RU professors.
Students and Kanye fans from across the Metro Detroit area gathered in Garth Pleasant Arena for the hour-long service. Celebrities from the Detroit area in attendance were Blake Griffin of the Detroit Pistons and rapper Big Sean. Kris Jenner flew in from Los Angeles to see her son-in-law’s service at what she called “some random university.”
The choir sang songs from their new album “Jesus is Born,” intermixed with a few songs from their collaborative album with West, “Jesus is King.” At the end, West handed out RU branded Yeezy T-shirts and gifted a brand new pair of Yeezy boots to Gary Turner, assistant professor of math, who won the Shallot’s “best dressed” award last spring. On the way out of the service, Kardashian West handed out pairs of her new shapewear line “Skims” to students.
Despite West’s strange accounting outburst, his visit helped RU as it will be welcoming 1,000 new students next year. The presence of West and the Sunday Service choir increased the number of students wanting admission to the university. The admissions office staff does not have to worry about filling its quota for the rest of the year.
ROCHESTER UNIVERSITY TO OPEN TACO BELL LOCATION
Rochester University, in a decision that has taken nearly four years, will now have a Taco Bell location on campus. This comes after much begging by students. The Taco Bell will be completed before the end of this summer and will replace the Atrium Cafe.
President Brian Stogner has shown enthusiasm for this development. “After years of careful consideration and debate, I am happy that this is actually happening. I have felt sympathy with the poor students who have been on the verge of crying for this restaurant to open on campus,” he said.
The university is very excited and is taking this development very seriously.
“In order to make this happen, we made a deal that would allow Taco Bell to put their brand on anything they wanted,” Stogner said regretably.
The campus will be changing drastically as the culture of Taco Bell begins to take over. Even Chapel will be affected. At the beginning of every service, a Taco Bell commercial will play. The school store will stock up on Taco Bell merchandise and the library will have volumes of material that detail the history of Taco Bell.
“Get ready!” said Sharia Hayes, “to use the bathroom more!”
The bathrooms aren’t the only thing that will take a hit. The garbage cans will be packed with taco wrappers. The hallways will be covered in the smell of Taco Bell beef. The bank accounts for students will plummet.
“I’m fine with spending all my money on Taco Bell,” said Micah Eubanks, senior. A mob of other students agreed.
Jobs will be available for those that need a little extra cash to afford their new habit. Actually, the hiring for this location will be similar to how Kibo Corner is run. The employees will receive no pay for their work; all profits will just go to Taco Bell Corp. Nobody has questioned this approach and there have already been a number of volunteers.
“I’m volunteering because I like to work with no pay,” said Bella Galli, junior.
Some staff and faculty have spoken out against the Taco Bell (mostly housekeeping) as they feel that it will tear apart the moral values of the campus. David Greer, professor of history, has been questioning the impact of Taco Bell on the campus: “This establishment will destroy RU! It will cause students to become lazy and to do poorly in my classes. I don’t want to fail them. I really don’t. It does not make me happy. This restaurant will be worse than the Black Death!”
“Prolly not, tho,” responded Taco Bell.
2020 WWE WRESTLEMANIA COMES TO RU; WALTERS, STOGNER READY TO RUMBLE
With the Road to Wrestlemania in full swing, Rochester University’s Garth Pleasant Arena gets ready to hold some of the biggest stars in sports entertainment.
On April 5, 2020, wrestlers such as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Asuka, the Usos, and others will be showing Rochester what the WWE universe has to offer. The show starts at 7 p.m. ET and will be streaming live on the WWE network (pending RU’s WiFi).
While this is one of, if not the biggest event, in the WWE season, alumni from RU, Becky Lynch and Roman Reigns, have talked Mr. Vince McMahon and the other producers into holding it at their old stomping ground.
To kick off the week of Wrestlemania and get the RU student body pumped to attend, Lynch and Reigns will be speaking in chapel Thursday, April 3, 2020.
McMahon considers President Brian Stogner a close personal friend. Stogner (aka The Professor), had a failed career at WWE. “No one remembers that, right?” said Stogner. “Right?”
Because of their relationship, McMahon and the rest of the producing team has decided that students with RU IDs can get into the event for only $50 and can bring up to five guests for the same price. This is a great deal considering the lowest price for this event was $55.
Sources say that in order to get into the Sunday event, students will need to miss their Friday 8 a.m. classes to get in line.
“I don’t plan on attending, but I will miss my 8 a.m. class on Friday for support,” said Mary Beatty, senior.
To hold all of these people, sources say, there will be construction on the GPA, taking off the roof and adding about 150 more rows to the bleachers that are already there. So get ready to walk up lots of stairs.
Becky Lynch © vs. Naomi Walters
This is for the Raw Women’s Championship. Walters says, “Oh please, I have two sons who always love to wrestle. I got this in the bag. Becky was my student in Intro to Christain Faith so I have seen the nerd in her. Hopefully I can pull that out in the match and become the champ.” The odds are in Lynch’s favor. Almost no hope for Walters.
Gonna be real bad for her.
Roman Reigns vs. The Professor
The Professor (Stogner) will take on Roman Reigns in an attempt to prove himself in the ring. He hopes to gain some much needed respect from the student body, who mercilessly make fun of his failed WWE career. He will use the daily humilation to fuel his win. “I can do this,” Stogner reportedly said under his breath to himself last week. No one believes he will actually do it.
ACE LAB TUTORS STRIKE! STUDENTS IN UPROAR!
The ongoing strike in the Academic Center for Excellence Lab leaves many students outraged. The inadequate funding for the student tutors turns up the heat on Rochester University staff as they fail to come to an agreement with ACE Lab employees.
A recent protest in the Atrium caused a major traffic jam for students trying to get to classes, leaving many irritated at large signs blocking the view and even smacking several taller students right in the head.
“My tutors deserve more pay than what they are given. They work so many hours and are given so little!” said Caitlin Bechard, director of retention and student success, in defense of the students on the strike.
Even Bechard is protesting against the mockingly low income and extreme hours for her tutors, which shows her undying support for them, and perhaps, showing some spite after negotiations with the university went sour.
With lower than average pay and demanding schedules, the tutors within the ACE Lab claim that they deserve more money and fewer hours.
“Do you know how hard it is to explain a math equation over and over and in different ways and then he still doesn’t get it?” said Lauren Hope, a junior and one of the English, math and science tutors. “That’s right, Clarence, I’m talking about you! Why don’t you get it? Why don’t you understand?” Hope is on edge.
Clarence declined to comment.
However valid the reasons for the strike, students in need of the ACE Lab’s services are suffering. Mikayla Hubbard, sophomore psychology major, is one of the strongest voices among those advocating against the strike, expressing her urgent need for guidance from the tutors. “I don’t care if they aren’t paid enough. I’m failing Comp B thanks to the strike!” she said.
Other students share her concern, especially freshmen still adjusting to university life. Allyson Slone, freshman education major, uses the ACE Lab daily for her outrageously busy schedule and is concerned at not being able to use the tutors in order to help her manage her workload. She and other education majors have banded together in order to combat the strike, taking the position as the “enemy” to the tutors on strike.
“We hope to come to an agreement soon,” said Dr. Remylin Bruder, provost and vice president of academic affairs.
“We probably won’t come to an agreement soon,” said Bechard.
There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight for the protestors nor the students in dire need of the ACE Lab’s services as an agreement continues to stay just out of reach. Concern over whether this strike will last until the end of the semester — and the resulting trepidation about student grades — is gripping the university community as the struggle for justice continues.
R.I.P. WALLY THE WARRIOR
Wallace Warrior, known to friends as “Wally,” was unexpectedly killed in Rochester, Michigan, while on the way to a game against Oakland University on Aug. 26, 2019. He was mauled by Grizz, Oakland University’s mascot, which was perfect timing, since we just changed our mascot to that bird.
Wally the Warrior was 15 years old. Wally was homeless for the majority of his life but finally found a home in Garth Pleasant Arena when it opened in February 2017.
A lifelong fan of Rochester University sports, Wally wanted to be at every RU sporting event. Most of the time, he wasn’t invited.
At the games he would jump and dance around. He always wore his armor to games. Though many students thought he was “creepy looking” or “weird,” he will be remembered for his dedication and loyalty to RU, even though the college replaced him with a bird. Wally will be missed by a few people.
In 2005, Wally just showed up on campus one day. Students and fans immediately fell in love with him, kind of, and he was deemed the “Hype Man” of the school, we think. He received an education in being awesome from Rochester College in 2009.
Wally was not married to anything but the mascot game. He had no children, but even if he did, they would not continue being the mascot because RU has a bird as the mascot now. His greatest achievement in life was cheering the Warriors to many championships and finding a home in the arena.
RU will hold a funeral service for Wally on May 3. The service is open to anyone who has not yet left school for the semester. Flowers and donations can be sent to Shield Media, located in the basement of Alma Gatewood Residence Hall. No word on whether charges will be filed against Grizz, but local police are looking into it.
PRINCESS FOUND DEAD AFTER CAFETERIA-APPLE CONSUMPTION
On Feb. 13, Snow White’s body was found in the Fletcher Center Cafeteria. The cause of death was determined to be from consuming a rotten-waxy cafeteria-apple.
Snow White had started taking classes at Rochester University this semester. She said her reason for coming to RU was that “I wanted to learn more before I became queen.” She couldn’t have known her search for an education would turn deadly.
“She’ll be missed,” said housekeeping and grounds. “She had the campus geese cleaning up after themselves.” Something that seemed, at first, straight from a cartoon.
Many students liked Snow White, though some said she was shallow and lacked personality. Despite this, most of the student body attended her memorial service.
“Free pizza,” said most students, when asked what brought them to the memorial service.
One of Snow White’s closest friends, fellow student Cinderella, said, “I don’t know who could have done this. She was such a sweet, kind girl.”
The staff at the cafeteria has been questioned, but, because the cafeteria-apples are generally always rotten and/or waxy, they have been cleared of any wrong doing.
“This is just an accident,” said Katelyn Hargrave, office manager for student life. “I’ve avoided those apples for years. Such a shame.”
Most of the student body has echoed what Hargrave said, but local authorities will continue their investigation.
“It’s Rochester Hills so we don’t have much else to do,” said local authorities as a whole.
Snow White’s step-mother, who became her legal guardian after her father’s passing, said, “I want justice for whatever monster is responsible for my dear little darling’s death. She was so pretty you just wanted to squeeze her… face.”
Several students have voiced their suspicions that Snow White’s step-mother was the culprit, as she had been visiting the same day. She was observed walking around Lake Norcentra close to the time of death. She left shortly before Snow White’s body was found.
“But, naw, it’s just how those apples are,” said Hargrave.
Authorities will keep looking into it.