• Taylor Isenberg

The Shallot [SHORTS]

The Shallot is Shield Magazine's annual April Fool's edition written by the Shield Staff. All articles below are fictional and sometimes wishful thinking. We worked on this edition and finished it prior to spring break. We hope that our humor gives you a little joy and a few laughs during this time of uncertainty. Please, enjoy our very foolish, humorous stories, and we apologize in advance.


CAMPUS REVIEWS [UNDER THE MICROSCOPE]


Stains on Chairs in Student Center:

Nothing is better than sitting down enjoying a nice cup of hot cocoa from Kibo Corner and looking down and seeing a random stain on your chair. It looks like someone spilled Gatorade or dish cleaner while doing homework. 2 out of 5 stars for not making the entire chair one big stain.

Alma Gatewood Lobby:

Everytime I walk into the AG lobby, I can’t help but notice the musty smell. Even if it’s 30 degrees out, it smells like an old Michigan basement. I can’t wait for Bath and Body Works to release this smell as a limited edition candle. 3 out of 5 stars for must.


The Two Campus Elevators:

The elevator by the library and Ferndale-Hoggatt take too long to go up or down one floor. 1 out of 5 stars because I’m not about to use the stairs.


CC Closets:

What exactly are the dingy closets on the side of the classrooms in CC used for? What are they hiding? 2 out of 5 stars for making me feel like I could find a dead body up in there.


Flag Circle:

The Flag Circle is so uneven, it feels like I’m on a roller coaster. Anyone could break an ankle here while falling. 4 out of 5 stars for not updating the brick with the new name of the university.


Basketball Court/Parking Lot:

In this day and age, anything versatile is important. I love that you can not only play basketball, but park your car too. I’m excited for RU to pay my insurance bill when my windshield is cracked. 3 out of 5 stars for hoop dreams.


RU READY? [SPONSORED CONTENT]

RU tired of school? RU sick of getting up every day and hearing about how great RU is? Sometimes you just want it to be summertime, RU ready for that? RU ready to graduate? RU tired of this madness? RU excited about the name change? RU ready for a great new era? RU having fun with all of the RU puns? RU sick of them yet? RU going to stop me? RU still reading this article? RU starting to get angry? RU even still a student of RU? RU happy to be at RU? RU ready to graduate? RU ready to rumble? RU ready for summer? RU tired of homework? RU OK? RU sure? RU studying? RU grateful? RU eating? RU happy? RU here right now? RU involved? RU a good person? RU getting to chapel on time? RU going to chapel at all? RU seriously telling me that you are not going to chapel? RU failing chapel? Why RU letting yourself fail chapel? RU honestly even worried about the fact UR probably failing chapel? RU failing your other classes too? RU aware that there are literally endless RU slogans? RU not entertained? RU listening to this? RU considering joining Shield? RU wondering how I was able to come up with all of these slogans? RU picking up on the fact that every single one has to be a question? RU just blocking this out? RU still reading now? What RU up to? RU financially stable? RU unable to afford RU? RU rising together? RU standing apart? Probably not. What RU most excited about? What RU thinking about? Why RU thinking about that? What RU the heck? RU noticing that RU does not make sense in the last sentence? RU crazy? After reading this, yep. Be looking for RU slogan T-shirts to come out next semester. They will feature each RU saying above. RU going to buy one? (R)U should! Thanks! RU glad this article is finally over?


TELEVISION: MOST DRAMATIC SEASON YET

Rochester University is currently making headlines throughout ‘Bachelor’ nation. Senior Taylor Isenberg has been announced as the new bachelorette. Isenberg was blindsided by Bachelor Daniel Higgins in the last season of the “Bachelor” when he dumped her before the final rose ceremony.


Isenberg’s season of the bachelor has been labeled “the most dramatic season yet” according to host Chris Harrison. “Taylor’s season can’t be spoiled. It’s been our most groundbreaking season to date,” Harrison said.


Thirty contestants will compete for Isenberg’s heart including Detroit Red Wings star, Dylan Larkin. “She’s sweet, funny and loves hockey. She is my dream girl,” Larkin said in a recent press conference.


Other contestants include that cute guy from the LEGO store, Herb from the old folks home, and a former Central Michigan University student.

Tune into this season of the Bachelorette on ABC and catch behind-the-scenes secrets.


RU PUTS FULL SIZE FRIDGES IN ALL ROOMS AND APOLOGIZES

After ACE tutor Carmyn Lorenc, senior management major, composed an angry article, the school board got together to review her message and decided she was right!

Two athletes living in one room could not possibly fit all of their food in ONE mini fridge especially if they cannot make it to dinner because of practice times. They need all the room they can get.


The school is paying for every single room to have a full-size fridge that feature ice makers. Dean of Students Sharia Hayes said, “The students are going to be thrilled when they see the size and the look of the fridges that they are getting. We spent $6,000 on each individual fridge. Don’t worry, tuition only went up about $3,000, but it’s worth it if our students get enough space in their fridges to put their food.”


The maintenance staff is going to be installing the new fridges over the summer so that they will be ready to go for fall 2020.


“Wow!” said Lorenc. “They really listened...wait, so I’ll have to pay more in tuition?”

For the students who are still here next year, they are extremely lucky they will be living lavishly with their brand new fridges with filtered water and ice machines attached.

Now all the university needs to do is fix ceiling cracks in AG! And we bet they will!


FASHION: BEST DRESSED ON CAMPUS

Rochester University staff and students are more fashion-forward than ever before, but two professors are real show-stoppers: Dr. Carol Cooper, associate professor of mass communication, and S.P. Cooper, assistant professor of English.


Carol Cooper is well known on campus for her elegant, bright and simple outfits. Cooper tends to keep her outfits simple but adds vibrant colors—whether a bright red sweater or maybe even a white one. Cooper keeps her jewelry light and original. She tends to wear the same jewelry every day, which reflects her plain, yet elegant style. Cooper’s style reflects a time when style was more simplistic.


S. P. Cooper keeps it old-time fresh with a boiler hat, scarf and pocket watch. Cooper’s attire reflects his “stuck in the wrong generation” vibe. Some have even been thinking about mimicking his style. Who knows maybe 1900’s fashion is the new black?


SPORTS [WARRIOR EXTRAS]

As the budget for the wrestling team gets tighter and tighter, so do the uniforms. Faculty and parents of the Rochester University wrestlers are complaining about the tightness and short length of the singlets.


One mother, Lisa Mason, said, “According to the RU athletic website, ‘members of the athletic program will strive to represent the institution in a positive manner, and act with courtesy and respect for all.’ However with as much skin that is showing in the singlets, this is impossible. This is not a very good look for anyone. I am outraged.”


The university chose to go with a cheaper option when purchasing the singlets, and now wrestlers have to order singlets that are three sizes bigger than what they normally wear.

Physical education chair, Garth Pleasant, responded to the complaint by saying, “I do not understand why everyone is so upset by these. If the boys had a problem with the uniforms they could have just bought a bigger size. There were sizes for them to try on all the way to 5xl.”


All content for Shield Media is independently created and published by students at Rochester University.

800 W. Avon Road, Rochester Hills, MI   |   shield@rc.edu